When everything doesn’t make sense

This is probably the longest I ghosted on you guys. Or maybe not. All I know is it has been so long. Don’t you think?

I’ve had several people asking me if I’m okay. What really got me was someone left me a message in Instagram asking me to go back writing with a crying emoji.

I guess if ever I do stop blogging I owe you an explanation and not just disappear.

When I did my 2016 closing credit (you can read itΒ HERE), I kinda mentioned that I’m looking forward to 2017 after having a not so good 2016.

It is just the 2nd month of 2017 and I just want to turn around and go back (if I can choose a year I’d choose 2015).

I was in the middle of getting ready for my trip to Cebu for the first death anniversary of my brother. (I was so excited since my sister and her husband (from L.A) are coming home. And some of my nieces and nephews). When I heard the news at 6:30am (Manila time).

I know this kind of call (when my brother died my sister Annie called me at 6:00am). And when I heard Susan’s (my sister) voice I know this kind of voice. All I could think of was “please God not my Mom or my Dad. Or not any of my family. Please.”

Like I said I know this kind of calls. I know it too well.

“Kyle was shot. Their house was burglarized and Kyle was shot dead.”Β Susan told me. Her voice so low it cracked. Her voice so low I can feel it coming from the core of her being.

Kyle is family. He is the husband of my sister Putchie or Patricia or Pat as Kyle calls her.

Kyle and Pat met in Germany (Stuttgart) where they are both based. They met at the right time. So to speak. They both just came from a bad marriage.

Kyle loved my sister so much. He worshipped the ground she walks on. I have never seen a husband who adores his wife the way Kyle adored my sister.

Theirs was a happy marriage. Who has a happy marriage these days? Kyle and Pat. They were a happy couple.

It took me a few minutes to understand what my sister told me and up to now I haven’t really gotten over it.

Why? Why Kyle? Why my sister? Those are a just few of the many questions in my head.

Kyle is an American Military stationed in Germany for the past 28 years. Both Pat & Kyle loved living in Germany. In 2015 Kyle was called back and was stationed in Jacksonville, Florida. His contract was for 2 years. My sister didn’t want to go with him, she wanted to stay in Stuttgart and wait for him. But Kyle doesn’t like long distance relationship. So, my sister didn’t have a choice but to go with her husband.

Kyle’s contract was to end this year. August to be exact. And they were excited to go back home to Stuttgart. As far as they were concern they were done with their journey in Jacksonville.

Kyle will be given a Military Honor during his Memorial Service on March 15, 2017. My sister Susan and her husband (L.A.) and my brother Chris and his wife (Atlanta), and myself will be there to hold her hand.

The past 2 weeks and a half I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move. My heart bled for Kyle and Pat. Why?

For the past 2 weeks and a half I have been questioning life (per se). Looking for answers. Searching for the reason. Trying to make sense of this tragedy my family is going through now. And each day when I wake up in the morning I feel farther and farther away from the answers to my questions. Farther and farther away.

I must admit that everyday I toyed with the idea of stopping. Stop everything. Stop blogging and stop my business (Willow Jewelry). Until I find what I am searching for. Until things will make sense. ’cause right now it doesn’t.

 

26 comments

  • Sometimes life is too cruel to understand but take courage that this too shall pass, and that you will find answers to those questions and no matter what never ever lose faith you will survived as I did. Just hold on tight. Lift everything up and be kind to yourself. Take care. God Bless xxxx

  • I always come to read your blog because it cheers me up esptjose times that I was down. I will admit it has been a while since the last time I read your update because I got so busy. It had been a while I been feeling down and asking same question as yours. Today I thought of visiting your blog hoping it will cheer me up, found out you need it the same I do. Hugs.. things just always gets better.

  • Dear Ms. T, my sincere condolences to you and most especially to your sister Pat and all your families.

    As any loss is hard to bear, I do pray that you find the strength to go on and live life to the fullest. That is what Kyle would want you to do…
    Know that Kyle is in heaven and is at peace. He is and will always be with you, and he would not want to see you all sad all the time.

    I shall keep you in my prayers and with God’s love and guidance; I hope you and your whole family will find the strength to overcome this tragedy.

  • Ms. Tina, sharing to you a prayer…..
    Lord, whenever grief over something that has happened to people I care about tries to come back and torture me, I ask that You would take it from me and give me Your peace. Help me to rise above those feelings and see that life goes on because You go on forever. Wherever there has been a loss of a relationship, heal me of that emptiness. Take away the sad memories and help me to remember the good things. Give me a strong vision for the future so that I can focus on that. Enable me to comfort those who grieve in the same way you have comforted me.

    Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
    Matthew 5:4

  • Tina, I love your blog, I love the honesty and how genuine your writing is. Anyway it’s all right to take a break, I will miss your funny anecdotes though. I pray that you find the answers you are looking for, and that they change your life completely for the better. Despite everything, please remember, you are loved by many. Hang in there. πŸ™‚

  • I love you! I love your writings! I can’t imagine how hard it is for your family right now. Praying that you will find the comfort and strength you need to get you through this difficult time.

  • I was just thinking about you as I miss your blog. I will pray for you and your family. Sometimes we just really need to get away from it all. Be strong Miss Tina.

  • Condolence to your family. I have been following your Blog and I really enjoy it. I have been wondering that its been quite a while that you have no updates. Indeed there are things that happen in our lives that we can not understand but we women are strong and we can handle all of these. Writing can be a way of coping, maybe not necessarily in your blog.

  • Hi Ms. T, take your time. If you decide to stop blogging, or or put blogging on hold, we will still be here if and when you decide to get back. We will continue to support you. Lots of love from your longtime reader.

  • Sad events ..deaths especially of love ones are one of the worst scenarios anyone has to go through .. But then again in all things God has his purpose we may not understand it now but eventually we would.. our family had to go through 2 deaths in two months and our eyes are never dry.. But the hope of Gods great plan await each waking moment.. Ms.tina you are such a strong and admirable person .. stay strong and talk directly to God he listens.. Godbless.. will be praying for you always!

  • I cant think of the right words to make you feel better madame…. *hugs* while whispering “hang on”….

  • I constantly check your blog for any updates and yes, this might have been the longest time that you posted last. I know an “I’m sorry for your loss” will not ease the pain that you and your family, especially your sister are going through right now. I felt your pain while reading your post. I don’t know you and you don’t know me but pain is such a universal feeling that seems to connect people. I may not know how to console you but you will be in my thoughts. You seem to be a tough person and I’m sure you will get through this. *Momshell*.

  • Condolences and prayers to your whole family. You have all the right to do as you wish. As we always say, family first. Healing is a difficult process and you have to give yourself as much time as you need. I’m sure we will all miss your blog posts because it is real, honest and relatable; however, please do what you feel is best for yourself and your family. You can always come back. We will be here when that time comes. Take care and hugs to everyone in your family.

  • Hate it when people say at least he or she is in a better place. … wrong. The right place is here not there.

    Condolence to you and your family for your lost.

  • Ms Tina when they say time heals , they are bullshitting. Because time only makes the longing all the more painful as you go through life living without the ones you love most. But one day you will find that switch in your head and it is acceptance that death happens. this is my birthmonth and a few days after mine is my Beloved Grandmothers too. I still remember the slightly burnt biko with ginger that taste unreal on my birthday. but if you decide to have peace and soul search and disappear for awhile do it. I followed you not because you are famous but because you are fabulous and a great human being. the universe will see to it that we will find you again. sending you warmth through the universe. take care

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